I imagine, carved in a cave somewhere was the first dating advice ever given. One caveman positing to another, older, wiser caveman how to score a date with that cave lady. It was boilerplate nonsense then, and it remains so to this day, eons later. It’s also the easiest column space to write for, and a lot of writers cut their teeth there. I mean seriously, how hard is it to tell someone how they should handle any given situation, especially in the absence of context and personal history. It becomes this bland, vanilla one size fits all generality that anyone can relate to. Like a horoscope or a fortune cookie.

I bring this topic to fore more out of sheer boredom with current events than any real bone to pick. I have my issues with the Dear Abby’s and Ask Amy’s of the world on face value, but they’re not openly harming society with their rhetoric. I wish they would have a more nuanced approach to relationship difficulties than “go to counseling” or “sit down with the other party”. I also suspect that a vast majority of the letters they receive are fake. I have never in my life read so many cogent, well written 12 years old authored letters than I have in these respective advice columns. Seriously, when I was that age, my letter would’ve been about one sentence long and would say:
“Dear Abby, I love boobs, why are boobs so cool and what’s the best material to make a bike ramp out of?”

Today’s Double-Dragon’s of Douchbaggery are the dating advice writers Damon Smith and Pamela E. Spencer (oooh the initial even!) for a publication called Ink. It’s a Kansas City based magazine that attempts to pass on this failed idea that a Midwestern city can A)be metropolitan and B)Compare remotely to a coastal city in terms of culture and relevance. The Midwest and it’s culture is a low bar that is easy to jump over. It’s where you can see touring shows of the biggest Broadway musicals (18-32 months later!), you can dazzle at overweight ballerinas, and so on and so forth. The cream definitely rises to the top when it comes to creative endeavors, and those who can go to New York, L.A. and to some degree Chicago, those that can’t stay in cities like Kansas City, St. Louis, Houston and part time barista at a coffee shop in their spare time. It’s where the notion of “Hey, you’re trying too hard” bears its fruit and look extra comedic amongst the plain, pudgy people of the Midwest.

Sorry for that little tangent, I haven’t seen the sun in about four weeks. Yay Midwest!

The dating advice these writers give is always awful. The column, appropriately titled “Kiss and Tell”, is written in the time honored he said/she said tradition. Which on one hand, it’s nice that there’s a guy trying to give romantic advice, but then it’s always coupled with a female perspective that’s not quite right either. So you get a double dose of boilerplate, useless “advice”.

Today’s questioner asks “How does a painfully shy person get a boyfriend or let alone a date?” The questioner is not given a moniker or even if it’s a male or female asking the question. This is where context is key! The nature of the advice is fluid, and depends on a few things. Mainly, if it’s a girl or a guy. These approaches aren’t interchangeable, just as the various scenarios that this could play out in. The man advice giver, Damon seems to think this is a lady and the setting is a bar.

He breaks advice man protocol by attempting to be relatable and saying that he too is shy about things, approaching girls is one of them. That’s great to know and all Mr. Damon, but that’s not the question. In fact, it would’ve been better had he not even attempted the answer at all since a few of his opening lines to share are “I like your blazer” and “You have a pretty smile”. How about some more general advice? Guys can’t say those things to girls! I’ve had friends use the “You have a pretty smile” line and guess what? It’s a tad creepy! And complementing something they’re wearing? Hey buddy, my eyes are up here! Mr. Damon does rally a bit before the end of his bit by saying that she needs to open up a bit and let things go where they go. This is pretty good advice considering how often girls just fortify up with their gaggle of friends, stare off in to space or set up some sort of impenetrable force field wherein oxygen is in short supply and the male cannot function in that climate for more than a few minutes. Seeing as all the blood has drawn from his brain and now resides in his penis, the chances of him just passing out and failing rise exponentially! Girls, more often than not are their own worst enemy when it comes to picking up a date. Now it’s Pamela’s turn to dispense some advice.

Ole throwing in that middle initial trying too hard Pamela E. Spencer personifies the lady Mr. Damon was trying to attempt the other lady from becoming with his advice. The lady with the “think-too-highly-of-herself-rigid-standards-probably-has-a-list-of-things-a-man-MUST-be/have/accomplished-tacked-up-on-her-bedroom-wall kind of mindset that perpetuates her isolation and shallow dating experience. Her answer: The Internet. Yes, where a six or seven can go and pretend that she’s a 9 and entitled to only the best of MANkind! Now, I don’t have a problem with Internet dating, per se, but after spending a goodly amount of time messing around with it for an article idea, I don’t think too highly of it or it’s meat market approach to mass human connection. You see, people should understand who they are and what they’re capable of. Everyone has limitations of some sort. But what Internet dating does is allow that delusional young lady believe that she doesn’t have to settle for what she can get or realistically, what she can pull in with her looks and individual statistical data.

Now, before you start poking me with the chauvinist pig stick, let me say that I believe ladies as a general rule get the short end of it when it comes to dating. But all men aren’t brainless fuckmachines either.

These online dating sites boil down everything in to a tidy menu of combo meals. You get the picture of the thing you desire, followed by a delicious description. You get to pick and choose everything on face value. You may even get match up via “compatibility tests” which gives the false sense that you two will have something in common from the get-go, instead of say, discovering that shit when you’re face to face. It’s where desperation and unrealistic standards meet and it’s any wonder that most people find someone to date online at all.

Pamela E. Spencer, hues closely to the stereotypical in her advice with the Internet dating. Keep your distance, exchange plenty of messages, meet in a public place (in case he’s a psycho…lol). You might as well add “Google Him!” to that list of things. Again, the lack of context is what’s missing with this advice, and online dating in general. All that statistical chicanery is merely window dressing to the fact that you have to be compatible/relatable in order for ANY connection to occur. This is even before the “can I date him?” then “will I marry him?” can ever be in the discussion. Pamela E. Spencer also goes for that ridiculous relatablitly by saying “I’m pretty shy around guys, plus I’m a little (OK a lot) neurotic, and if I can get a date online, anybody can.”

Kiss and Tell has to realize that this isn’t helpful at all, or of any use to anyone reading their column, let alone the questioner. The best advice could’ve been: “Shut Your Mouth (i.e., don‘t do anything to scare boys off, look pretty, etc), Accept the Drinks he buys you, Pretend to be Impressed with Things He says, Get His Number, but DO NOT go home with him (in case he’s a psycho…lol)” Call it day! If you’re going to lack context and retain a rigid bland advice structure the least you can do is be plainspoken. Also, online dating should be saved for picky, unrealistic, delusion ridden, mildly attractive late twenty/early thirty something’s and men with a mean case of the mid life crisis…and no one else.