Dear Mitt: Consider me a citizen that lives in the general vicinity of your dozens of mansions. You have do have mansions don’t you? You probably have fences, but they’re not the fences we mortals put up in our yards to keep out the varmints or loitering masses that use our backyard as a shortcut, trampling much cared for flower beds. No, you have the type of fences you would need a rope to scale, and quite possibly the tops of said fences would be anointed with barb wire and waiting on the other end of the wall a ferocious attack dog of some sort. I would get a ladder, but now that you have secret service protection, they’d be more inclined to shoot first and ask questions later.
This is what I want to say: pay no attention to that woman with the over-dyed hair masking a vain attempt to hide the gray. Just because Kathleen Parker share’s a propensity for flip-flopping on any and everything rhetorical with you, doesn’t mean that she’s in your corner. She’s picked you as her pony to win the nomination, which you will probably do at some point in the summer, but she’s doesn’t care about you or your campaign. She’s only concerned with being a semi-cogent prognosticator with the republican primary, so that people with Sunday news talk shows like David Gregory will keep bringing her back. Regardless that the GOP Presidential primary winner has never been more readily apparent, if only these silly humans would listen to people like Kathleen Parker!
You should listen to George Will, and be more mindful of the fact that you are the de facto face of the republican party after you win the nomination. You’re going to singlehandedly cost the GOP seats in Congress if you don’t get your act together. You’re beginning to act like all you want to do is win the republican nomination and not the bigger prize: the Presidency of the United States. Your race is far from over, and if you’re already tuckered out…then woe be to you! Recharge your battery cells and get back to rigidly riding the talking points you’re being fed.
Your visage of desperation is a candid view in to the marathon that this primary season has been for you. You’ve humbly and gracefully went up against every single bozo that fell out of the GOP nominee clown car this primary. You’ve given each of them enough leash to appear to be legitimate, and have wryly smiled your way through over two dozen debates with a gaggle of buffoons not seen in modern historical politics. You’ve danced for you voyeurs and have held back the tears as you’ve asked time and time again “Is this enough for me to be the GOP Presidential Candidate yet?” and they keep saying “NO!” (as is one of the only words they can verbalize with any consistency) then shove another hapless toadie across from you to dance with.
On top of this, the Republicans want to be so cool right now that it hurts. The Democrats somehow came out with a rock star politician with Obama, enrapturing a nation, yet all the GOP have that’s remotely presidential material is stiff regressive white guys. Hell, even their token black guy at the time of Obama‘s inauguration, Micheal Steele, wound up being another horndog republican with an overdrawn platinum card. There’s nothing you can do to be cool or hip, regardless of what “neighbors” would like to tell you.
But, you are great foreshadowing of what elections will be like (hopefully before too long) when we have to elect a robot president. Once you’re kind reach dominion over mankind, you’ll attempt to level some sense of normalcy by replicating the charade known as our elective representative government system. Too be fair, since your kind will control all electronic media at this point, the validity of our election overall outcomes will never be in question or challenged outright, as you have ruled judicial proceedings of any kind to be highly illogical and wasteful. Oh, but you’ll have a tribunal system of some sort, but only for show and perhaps as entertainment to those of the resistance forces that live in the earths underbelly and are trying to unseat your power. You’re only judgement on the hapless human rebels? DESTROY!…or more likely ERADICATE!
Perhaps you would be better served if you just out and out said you were actually a robot, (of course) sent from the future to gauge the metrics of a robot political candidate and how that would stand to public scrutiny in the early 21st century. The robots don’t want to overplay their strategy and come on too quick with their plans for humankind. If you are found wanting, they will just leave you in the past and try again at a later decade.
You are pro-life because babies are the fuel of the latter day robot kind. You are pro-gun because they are insulting in power compared to the modern laser guns that can actually damage your robot brethren. The longer you have humans clinging to outdated technology, the better. You are by your very nature pro-corporation because in the distant future they have replaced establishment governments of all kinds. You want their taxes lowered so they can pump more of those profits in to research and development to expedite the robot revolution. It’s also why you don’t care for the poor, because their skulls are always getting caught up in the treads of your robot army’s tanks. Some robot then has to get out and fix it, then some rebel ambushes them…you get the idea. This is an utter drain on resources better spent suppressing humankind.
Pay no heed to Kathleen Parker’s apology for calling you a “dork” on the human show “Meet the Press”. She was being hyperbolic, because that’s what she is paid to do. When human’s have nothing of substance to say they pull ridiculous notions, to use human parlance, “out of their ass” to not appear as if they are clueless. As you can see from her article where she attempts to console you with a “Dear John” letter of sorts, she’s incapable of proofreading her articles for inconsistencies like saying she has a “few” suggestions for you, then only providing a singular suggestion. Or by saying that she thinks the American Human Public wants an uncool president for some odd reason. We have discovered that the female human is a highly irrational creature, and depending on the phase of the moon, may be more or less of reason. This also explains why she attempts to back pedal on her remarks saying that of course the humans want you to be uncool, because that somehow makes you more adult, and able to do considerably more than the current president has been able to do with similar circumstances.
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