Thank God For Ben Shapiro

Let’s just stop taking politics so seriously. Yea, lets take it to that hyperbolic high place of writing: the enthusiast press. Your car magazines, video game blogs, lad mags, sports writing in general. Let’s go there and admit that we are there. Let us not worry about journalistic integrity. Got something you want to say but have nothing to back it up with? Fuck it, just go ahead and write it. If something is the worst thing since the baddest it of the entire history of mankind, so be it. What’s that you say? It’s called the editorial page of a newspaper? That “conservative” ideologues have been wiping their asses with facts for centuries? Where the town prude is scared that the President is going to come in to her house and skull fuck her with one of the nine rifles she has in a nuclear bomb proof gun safe and the Ivy League educated mid 20’s blowhard share column space? Tell me this isn’t so!
I love being a child of the 80’s, it give me great pleasure when people fetishize that decade. When I couldn’t honestly tell you how awful Ronald Reagan was because I had no cognitive dissonance of politics or economies. I knew of hunkering down under my desk, and laying down in hallways to prevent myself from being destroyed by nuclear fallout. I enjoyed Rambo immensely, only because he kicked so much ass, and leveled (to my young mind) an entire town. It wouldn’t be till later that I learned context was a saucy mistress indeed! So I am thankful for Ben Shapiro, he’s in my age demographic, sharing the virtues and morals I was instilled with as a child. This conservative viewpoint, stalwart of a new generation: of hate mongering, 1950’s bible belt fantasy role-play, marriage being the societal saving grace, blowhard nincompoopilization of a good portion of America that has become the modern Republican way.
However given the current culture of whoring oneself for personal/financial gain, if I were to in fact have my ramblings sponsored by Mountain Dew and Doritos, I would have no problem espousing that cramming handfuls of Doritos up your ass and drinking only Mountain Dew as a dietary supplement would change your life. As long as every morning a Mountain Dew and Doritos sponsored dump truck would lay out the mounds of cash on my lawn, or hopefully erect a giant silo for me to dive in to Scrooge McDuck style. Yes, your life would be totally different, and be that I mean renal failure from all the Mountain Dew and the painful, yet extreme anal bleeding from the Doritos laden enema. It’s no surprise that Shapiro hates Obama, he has to. Some billionaire’s pigeon drops a list of talking points for him to harp on every morning, and the beeping of the cash dump trucks backing up on his lawn is the only thing that helps Ben Shapiro sleep at night. It keeps him from thinking he’s fanning the flames of real, heated rhetoric, and hey, he’s got to write a memoir about something he did right? So why am I grateful for Ben Shapiro? Here’s umm, five reasons:
Five: Ben Shapiro is dumb. How can you hate on your fellow Harvard Law School bro Obama? If Obama is dumb because you say he is, and was educated roughly by the same people you were, then aren’t you also dumb? Ben Shapiro also skipped a grade in school, and supposedly “graduated early”. I know a lot of people who are the night managers at McDonald's that “graduated early” and they seem pretty smart to me. By the way, Ben Shapiro is also from Florida whose state motto is “Florida: Hot, Flat, Dumb”.
Four: Who the fuck is Ben Shapiro? Most of the media really doesn’t have a clue what a Ben Shapiro is. Well, if you live in Florida you know who he is, as he supposedly has a radio show on an AM station. Even though he was allegedly picked at age 17 to be a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel, which calls in to question that newspapers intelligence (see No. 5). Although he has written three books, has no real national presence other than on the East Coast, and by that I mean Florida, Georgia, and some of Appalachia. He’s not even based in the Real America!
Three: Ben Shapiro has elevated nothing. Despite being educated in the very universities he claims are indoctrinating our youth, and railing on the old conservative standbys of porn, marriage between a man and woman, and so on, he hasn’t elevated the cause, and I’m surely he’s just as ineffective at mobilizing a base as any of his peers on the left. It wouldn’t be surprising to find out that Ben Shapiro is a Nome de plume for a Reagan Apple II supercomputer that could churn out articles after being fed a list of talking points. Marxist, check. Socialist tendencies that somehow came afoot only in the past 21 months, check. He’s educated enough and supposedly has some form of getting factual information to maybe one of these days actually make a salient point, turn people to his cause. People could actually champion Ben Shapiro as another Buckley, who killed with intelligent debate. Or he could rather maintain his faux fiery rhetoric and remain small time.
Two: Ben Shapiro pays lip service to the race card. In so much that a privileged, educated white man can pay to it. I enjoy that Obama’s race has anything to do with his agenda, what with all the secret communism and islamo-fascism he’s got to hide and somehow sprinkle in to legislative movement. This is a Jewish Lawyer (who knew!) who supports a brand of hive mind that race baits, regularly turns its constituency against those who aren’t the same color, had no problem trotting out a Token brother to head the RNC, with such ribald cynicism as to think that would fool anyone with a community college level of education.
There is the held belief that maybe Ben Shapiro holds none of this dear and is in fact just cynical enough to take the paychecks and be inflammatory as a general rule. His regular use of the ad hominem, and his inability to educate his readers, merely go to show he’s only using his soapbox to reach higher up the blowhard conservative pundit ladder.
One: Crystallization. “Conservative Entertainers” need to find a shtick. Glenn Beck has his Mormon fueled Armageddon, fall of the empire fetish fever dreams, Sean Hannity is a fitter, more productive Reaganite version 2.0 Limbaugh clone, Ann Coulter is a shrill harpy that has even fell the great Bill Maher.
Perhaps Ben Shapiro has more of the Bill O’Reilly DNA. Let’s face it, the old man isn’t what he used to be even two years ago. He’s approaching the “hey kids get off my lawn” mentality with one of his editorials faulting the 24 million viewers of Monday Night Football for the fall of American Society for not joining his 3 million viewers of his show. The temerity to even try to lock horns with one of the country’s biggest sports show. Ben Shapiro shares this reckless spirit, in that he unabashedly will not come clean with his fan base. That he won’t betray his hypocrisy for even a small moment. Given enough time and money, I believe Ben Shapiro could be talked in to fellating his own ego, for his corporate overlords and monetary gain. He certainly has not worked for anything, obviously being handed everything on a silver platter.
Let’s be honest with people Ben, let’s tell them what you’re truly all about. Drop the inflammatory rhetoric that you are fed and smearing on the masses with fecal disdain. Use that intelligence you gained from Harvard Law school and tell a unique argument, wrought from your young mind. Not scribbled on stone tablets by the Koch’s. You may be able to fool the xenophobes, the small minded, the old people. But you can’t fool your peers, we too are just as cynical and angry as you are. We’re all about pushing these people aside and trying to keep from kicking the can, as past generations have done. Leveling this great society with do-nothings and paying lip service to our supposed intelligence. You have some limited power, use it for good my friend, or be passed by with your compatriots when the current generation steps up.